A group of high-ranking Republican lawmakers got together recently in Washington, D.C., to discuss what they called “The Problem of Evildoers in Our Schools.” America had suffered yet another mass shooting in a school. It was one of so many school shootings in the last 25 years that even the media had lost count.

The urgent meeting had been organized by Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, who had won wide acclaim among his peers for zeroing in on what he considered the most pertinent fact regarding the latest shooting: the 18-year-old gunman had entered the school in Uvalde, Texas, through an unsecured door.

“America does not have a gun problem,” Cruz said. “America has a door problem. We do not need gun control. We need door control. We have too many doors.”

Cruz, smiling broadly at the applause that greeted him, suggested that schools should not have a dozen doors to enter and exit, but a single high-security door. He was praised not just for conceiving a brilliant solution to a seemingly unsolvable problem, but for standing up bravely against one of the most powerful lobbying groups in America, the National Door Association (NDA).

The NDA represents hundreds of door manufacturers, who want to sell as many doors as possible. Indeed, it’s largely because of the NDA that American houses are full of doors: front doors, back doors, side doors, bedroom doors, bathroom doors, shower doors, closet doors, pantry doors, garage doors, refrigerator doors. But the NDA knows that doors can cause problems. Not only can doors be inviting to potential burglars, they also attract salespeople and Jehovah’s Witnesses. The NDA is aware that some people have eliminated front doors—and are using back doors exclusively—to keep people from selling or witnessing to them.

That’s why the NDA recently launched a media campaign with a catchy slogan: “Doors do not open for people. People open for people.”

Cruz acknowledged that doors do not usually open themselves, except in places like grocery stores with sensors that open doors automatically. But the best policy, he said, is for schools to have just one door and ban any door that is automatic or semi-automatic.

"If we have a single door for every school, we can monitor it for 24 hours a day," he said. "We can see who's coming and going, and what they're carrying. It would be like airport security, with metal detectors, x-ray machines, and mandatory pat-downs of anyone with an angry face. Kids may have to take their shoes off too, but this is a small price to pay for living in the freest country in the world.”

While gun control advocates are quick to blame the proliferation of guns in America for mass shootings, Cruz noted that there is only an average of one gun per person in America, but at least three doors per person. And that does not even include doors to sheds, porta-potties and vehicles.

“Democrats want to blame guns, but let's not lose sight of the fact that the shooter used a door to get into the school,” Cruz said. "And he also used a door to get into the pick-up truck that brought him to the school.”

Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina wondered aloud if more doors were needed in schools for emergency exits. “If there’s a fire in the school, wouldn't we want more than one door for the kids to escape?” he asked. "Wouldn't we have a stampede otherwise?"

Cruz shook his head. “That’s what windows are for.”

Jumping out of windows is more efficient than running toward a door, he said. “Besides, fires are not a problem in schools. We have lots of fire extinguishers in schools and every kid carries a water bottle with them.”

The Republican lawmakers plan to meet again soon to continue the discussion of what they’re now calling “The Problem of Evil Doors In Our Schools."

The Humor of Melvin Durai

Republicans Eager to Solve America's Door…