Don't Flick Off Another Person's Pet

There’s an old saying that “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Another version of this saying is just as true: “One man’s pest is another man’s pet.”

Nothing illustrates this more than a video that went viral recently. Taken in Thailand, it shows a male tourist standing in a marketplace, wearing a ski mask. A woman passing by spots a large cockroach on the man’s head and decides to do him a favor by flicking the insect away. The man jumps up and down in anger, pulls off his mask and shouts, “That’s my pet!” He finds the roach on the ground, bends down and allows it to climb onto his hand. Then both he and the roach flip off the woman.

Okay, the last part didn’t happen, but you get the idea. The man was upset that the woman didn’t consult him before evicting the squatter on his head. Even landlords have to give a seven-day notice in Thailand.

It’s a good thing the man did not have a pet mosquito. It would not have survived the ordeal, and a judge in Thailand would have to decide whether to send the woman to prison for mosquitocide.

It doesn’t surprise me that some people keep cockroaches as pets. After all, if you can’t get rid of them, you might as well befriend them. But even if you’ve grown attached to a roach, adopted it and given it a name, why would you feel the need to take it for a walk?

If I had a cockroach as a pet, I would never take it for a walk, even if it wasn’t house-trained. If my pet cockroach were perched on my head, I’d be worried that we’d run into a man with a lizard on his. Next thing you know, with a flick of a tongue, my beloved pet would be lunch. As another saying goes, “One man’s pet is another man’s pet food.”

The pet roach gets flicked off.

I would never have a cockroach for a pet, of course, mostly for three reasons: (1) I can’t stand them; (2) I hate them; and (3) I want them all dead.

Okay, perhaps that’s a little strong. If you have a cockroach as a pet, I don’t want it dead. I wish your pet a long and happy life — as far away from me as possible.

I don’t really want cockroaches to go extinct. I want them to continue to exist, as long as every single one of them is on a different continent from me. I believe that all the countries in the world should work together to move every living species of cockroach to a single country: Russia. I have already received confirmation that most countries in Europe are willing to participate in the Roaches to Russia Program.

It would be impossible to eliminate cockroaches in other countries, of course, but like eliminating poverty, we should never stop trying.

Cockroaches are among a long list of creatures that give me the heebie-jeebies. In case you aren’t familiar with this term, Wikipedia describes it as “a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, depression or illness.” The creatures that give me the heebie-jeebies include several insects; most reptiles; and almost all members of the Trump Cabinet.

According to the website KeepingInsects.com, there are 4,500 species of cockroach in the world, and the most popular kind for pets is the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. If you spot one of these roaches on someone’s head, do not flick it off. Instead, try to be kind by giving the owner a compliment.

You: “Cute pet! What’s her name?”

Owner: “He’s a male!”

You: “Sorry, I didn’t know. How can you tell?”

Owner: “When you’re watching football, the males stop hissing.”

You: “You watch football with your cockroach?”

Owner: “Yes, I always watch football with Marco.”

You: “You named him after Marco Rubio, the U.S. Secretary of State?”

Owner: “No, I named him after Marco Polo. He has traveled all across the globe. Just yesterday, he went from my right ear to the left.”