For a Long Marriage, Set Your Expectations Low

My wife, Malathi, and I have been married for more than 24 years, but that’s nothing compared to Manoel Angelim Dino and Maria de Sousa Dino. The Brazilian couple have been married for more than 84 years and recently set a Guinness World Record for the longest marriage for a living couple.

To set such a record, you have to live a long time, so it shouldn’t surprise you to learn that both Manoel and Maria are centenarians. He’s 105 and she’s 101. They got married in 1940, 16 years before Morocco gained its independence from France, 26 years before Botswana gained its independence from Britain, and 36 years before Tina Turner gained her independence from Ike.

Manoel was 21 and Maria only 17 when they got married, which means that for at least 80 percent of their lives, they’ve had someone by their side to love, cherish and share the rent.

They didn’t just have each other, of course. They also had 13 children, who eventually gave them 55 grandchildren, 54 great-grandchildren, and 12 great-great-grandchildren, all of whom can visit Manoel and Maria for some marriage advice.

With divorce rates rising around the world, it never hurts to get some tips from people who’ve been married a long time. I haven’t been married for that long (relatively speaking), but I’d nevertheless like to offer a few marriage tips:

1. Have low expectations. This is very important. Give your partner a low bar that they can easily clear, unless you are marrying an Olympic pole vaulter. You may have once had high standards for a potential marriage partner, hoping to check all the boxes, but as you get older, you need to hide some of those boxes. Expecting too much from your spouse is a recipe for disappointment. And disappointment often leads to another D-word: divorce.

2. Spend quality time apart. It’s important to spend quality time together, but it’s just as important to spend quality time apart. My wife sometimes goes on vacation with our children, while I stay at home with our dog, Lulu. This is really good for our relationship: Lulu’s and mine. It brings us closer. And it also gives my wife a healthy break from me (and vice versa), a time to imagine how great life would be if the cellphone had not been invented.

Photo by Hector Reyes on Unsplash

3. Be a loser. I don’t mean a loser in life, but a loser in arguments you have with your spouse. Don’t insist on being right all the time and winning every argument. Being an argument-winner may only make you a bigger loser, especially if your spouse doesn’t talk to you for the rest of the week.

4. Have a poor memory. Try to forget all your arguments and any mistakes your spouse makes. Remember the positives, forget the negatives (within reason). This works both ways, of course. A husband forgets that his wife didn't compliment his chili con carne, but remembers that she didn’t need to run to the bathroom (she just walked). A wife forgets that her husband didn't compliment her toned biceps (she's been lifting weights), but remembers that he keeps leaving the luggage for her to handle.

5. Twist the truth. Being too truthful isn’t good for a relationship. When I ask my wife if I’m losing hair, she’ll say, “No, Melvin, you’re just gaining scalp.” When I ask her if she liked the meal I cooked, she’ll say, “It’s so good, I’m saving the rest for later.” When I ask her if she wishes she had married someone else, she’ll say, “There is no one in the world, other than Denzel Washington and Robert Downey Jr., I’d rather be with.” This is a lie, of course. She didn’t mention Benedict Cumberbach.